Jesus h. Christ Im a hot mess.
So much seems to be going on right now that I do not have a grip on.  Im letting life happen to me and that is not a feeling I enjoy.

if I won the lottery - I would have chest surgery immediately.  its at the top of my list so I know its right.
Im sick of waiting.   Sick of waiting and at the same time not doing anything proactively to make it happen.
Im really depressed right now and feel completely stuck and unable to make anything happen.
Not sure how to jolt myself out of it.
Keep making the wrong decisions.
Not talking to anyone about it doesnt help either.  I can blog....nobody reads this shit anyway.

What I really feel like doing is smoking again.  Weeds and cigarettes.  I miss my comfort and joy.
Who fucking cares if it kills you.  We are all going to die eventually anyway.
I dont know.  Im not 100% sure I want to smoke cigs again.  Sometimes I feel like its the only thing that will sooth me.  lull me back into some sort of bliss.  yes I feel that strongly about it.
but I know deep down thats not true.
smoking pot again is sounding nice.  but it didnt help make things anybody better last time.  In fact I quit to see if quitting would make things better.
Ive gotten high twice over the last year and a half.  I think thats pretty fucking good.  Some people think that unless you abstain completely you are a failure at sobriety.
I think that you have to live your own life and make your own decisions and let the chips fall where they may.
sober people dont have their shit together anymore than people who use.  I dont want to use everyday all day again - but if I want to smoke out every now and again with friends Im going to.
I would rather smoke pot once in a while, maybe have a beer or a glass of wine with friends then sit around at home alone every night watching netflix and eating ice cream.
fuck that.

but what I really want most of all...
is to cut off my tits, grow a phat beard and disappear.
europe.  or thailand.  mexico.  india...
fuck this boring safe little life.  I want out.

I also still have a little left over cancerous love sickness that I keep poking with a stick.
Im surprised it didnt show up on the PET scan.
she is my friend.  I love her.  I want her in my life.  I have to suck up any residual pain and play ball.
she's worth it.

Im worried that I missed a huge important event that I had been waiting to go to.  All of my island friends were there and it was a big fucking deal and I couldnt leave the house.  I wanted to badly.  but I couldnt do it.
Im beginning to wonder if chantix fucked up some part of my brain on some kind of permanent level.
I was on it for almost 2 years.  So far they say you shouldnt be on it more than 6 months.
Maybe I gave myself some sort of chemical lobotomy....