The never ending conflict of trying to be who Im supposed to be

I had my first therapy session with an actual gender therapist.  Jude Patton.  He transitioned 25 years ago!  I cant even imagine what it might have been like for him to have made this transition back in those days.  I didnt get the chance to ask him because our hour went by in 2 seconds.
He was a very interesting guy.  Very supportive.  Didnt question me about things in the least little bit as far as if I was sure and what not.  I guess to everyone else who gets it, it seems obvious that I should transition.
Im still scared.  Scared of giving my mother a heart attack.  Scared of dealing with my friends and family.  Scared of the scandal it will cause at work.  I dont want to be the heart of a new scandal.  I want to live my life the way I want to and people can take their negative opinions and shove them up their ass basically.
Scared of the changes to my body and actually thrilled beyond belief at the same time....

Then why am I still fence sitting?  Jude told me to get a hold of some of the docs at the Country Doctor.  A tranny here on the island goes to a Dr. here on island.  That would be perfect!
But - turns out this guy is being sued for sexually abusing patients.  nice.

The trip up to Mt. Vernon to see Jude did turn out to be life changing in some ways.  I kind went on a bender by eating too much, drinking, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes gambling.....totally lost my shit.  But - the next day I was able to wipe the slate clean and start over.  Something I have not been able to do for months and months.

Went for acupuncture the next day and tried to explain to jessica how fucked up Id been feeling.  All she had to do was mention her name and I burst into tears.  I really thought I was going to get away without a ton of grieving this time.  Id been stuffing it and trying to burry it.  big mistake.
letting go of the past has been hard so so very hard.  Letting go of people I love has always been the hardest thing for me.  Being in relationships that are not healthy for me are just as hard.  I feel like Ive been stuck in my blind spot for the last few years.
Major weight loss followed by major weight gain.  A plate of chicken wings and a bag of cadbury eggs will never replace the fact that there is no one here at home to say - hi honey, how was your day?
Love seems like the scariest thing on earth to me.  But I cant live without it either....
Im sad sad sad super sad....
But Im also optimistic.  Knowing now that I could never move on as long as I was still clinging to the fact that I could have this special person in my life.  In SOME capacity!  But sometimes thats just not whats best......

Slowly but surely moving forward, moving on.  I only have this short time here on earth and I want to make the best of it.  I feel like Ive spent the last few years in the bottom of a well.  How someone elses complete happiness could tear me apart doesnt seem right.  Seems very very wrong actually.  Why would I begrudge someone I love so much her right to be happy???
Its complicated.

But for sure its time to let go and move on with my life.  It has to be about me now because me is all I got.

sometimes...

you eat the bear.
sometimes....the bear eats you.

sometimes....you make friends with the bear.

Jesus h. Christ Im a hot mess.
So much seems to be going on right now that I do not have a grip on.  Im letting life happen to me and that is not a feeling I enjoy.

if I won the lottery - I would have chest surgery immediately.  its at the top of my list so I know its right.
Im sick of waiting.   Sick of waiting and at the same time not doing anything proactively to make it happen.
Im really depressed right now and feel completely stuck and unable to make anything happen.
Not sure how to jolt myself out of it.
Keep making the wrong decisions.
Not talking to anyone about it doesnt help either.  I can blog....nobody reads this shit anyway.

What I really feel like doing is smoking again.  Weeds and cigarettes.  I miss my comfort and joy.
Who fucking cares if it kills you.  We are all going to die eventually anyway.
I dont know.  Im not 100% sure I want to smoke cigs again.  Sometimes I feel like its the only thing that will sooth me.  lull me back into some sort of bliss.  yes I feel that strongly about it.
but I know deep down thats not true.
smoking pot again is sounding nice.  but it didnt help make things anybody better last time.  In fact I quit to see if quitting would make things better.
Ive gotten high twice over the last year and a half.  I think thats pretty fucking good.  Some people think that unless you abstain completely you are a failure at sobriety.
I think that you have to live your own life and make your own decisions and let the chips fall where they may.
sober people dont have their shit together anymore than people who use.  I dont want to use everyday all day again - but if I want to smoke out every now and again with friends Im going to.
I would rather smoke pot once in a while, maybe have a beer or a glass of wine with friends then sit around at home alone every night watching netflix and eating ice cream.
fuck that.

but what I really want most of all...
is to cut off my tits, grow a phat beard and disappear.
europe.  or thailand.  mexico.  india...
fuck this boring safe little life.  I want out.

I also still have a little left over cancerous love sickness that I keep poking with a stick.
Im surprised it didnt show up on the PET scan.
she is my friend.  I love her.  I want her in my life.  I have to suck up any residual pain and play ball.
she's worth it.

Im worried that I missed a huge important event that I had been waiting to go to.  All of my island friends were there and it was a big fucking deal and I couldnt leave the house.  I wanted to badly.  but I couldnt do it.
Im beginning to wonder if chantix fucked up some part of my brain on some kind of permanent level.
I was on it for almost 2 years.  So far they say you shouldnt be on it more than 6 months.
Maybe I gave myself some sort of chemical lobotomy....

My soul has the flu

I haven't left the house in 3 days. It feels like I can't scrape myself off the bottom of this barrel.
I don't know who I am anymore or where I'm going. There is sadness and confusion.
This house is just a big empty box. A box I fill with junk. It's unmanagable.
What am I doing here? Where is home exactly?