The never ending conflict of trying to be who Im supposed to be

I had my first therapy session with an actual gender therapist.  Jude Patton.  He transitioned 25 years ago!  I cant even imagine what it might have been like for him to have made this transition back in those days.  I didnt get the chance to ask him because our hour went by in 2 seconds.
He was a very interesting guy.  Very supportive.  Didnt question me about things in the least little bit as far as if I was sure and what not.  I guess to everyone else who gets it, it seems obvious that I should transition.
Im still scared.  Scared of giving my mother a heart attack.  Scared of dealing with my friends and family.  Scared of the scandal it will cause at work.  I dont want to be the heart of a new scandal.  I want to live my life the way I want to and people can take their negative opinions and shove them up their ass basically.
Scared of the changes to my body and actually thrilled beyond belief at the same time....

Then why am I still fence sitting?  Jude told me to get a hold of some of the docs at the Country Doctor.  A tranny here on the island goes to a Dr. here on island.  That would be perfect!
But - turns out this guy is being sued for sexually abusing patients.  nice.

The trip up to Mt. Vernon to see Jude did turn out to be life changing in some ways.  I kind went on a bender by eating too much, drinking, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes gambling.....totally lost my shit.  But - the next day I was able to wipe the slate clean and start over.  Something I have not been able to do for months and months.

Went for acupuncture the next day and tried to explain to jessica how fucked up Id been feeling.  All she had to do was mention her name and I burst into tears.  I really thought I was going to get away without a ton of grieving this time.  Id been stuffing it and trying to burry it.  big mistake.
letting go of the past has been hard so so very hard.  Letting go of people I love has always been the hardest thing for me.  Being in relationships that are not healthy for me are just as hard.  I feel like Ive been stuck in my blind spot for the last few years.
Major weight loss followed by major weight gain.  A plate of chicken wings and a bag of cadbury eggs will never replace the fact that there is no one here at home to say - hi honey, how was your day?
Love seems like the scariest thing on earth to me.  But I cant live without it either....
Im sad sad sad super sad....
But Im also optimistic.  Knowing now that I could never move on as long as I was still clinging to the fact that I could have this special person in my life.  In SOME capacity!  But sometimes thats just not whats best......

Slowly but surely moving forward, moving on.  I only have this short time here on earth and I want to make the best of it.  I feel like Ive spent the last few years in the bottom of a well.  How someone elses complete happiness could tear me apart doesnt seem right.  Seems very very wrong actually.  Why would I begrudge someone I love so much her right to be happy???
Its complicated.

But for sure its time to let go and move on with my life.  It has to be about me now because me is all I got.